Motherhood is something that we think of as a blessing, but sometimes that blessing comes with unwanted feelings of doubt and a fear of the unknown. We worry that the life we had before the arrival of our baby will be nothing more than a memory, and that all of our dreams will have to be set aside. Regina describes how those feelings were immediately diminished as soon as she heard her sweet baby’s heartbeat. She went from feeling overwhelmed and nervous to fully understanding her purpose in life. Now, Regina can look back on her maternity photoshoot and see that this wasn’t the moment that she lost her freedom, but the moment that she finally felt empowered to become the best version of herself.
A Purpose That Was Wholly Unselfish
"If I were to describe my pregnancy, I would say it has been both the most humbling and empowering experiences of my life.
During the Covid-19 pandemic, my now-husband Edward and I decided to get married. Like for many others, the pandemic caused me to reexamine the priorities in my life. While marriage had never been a priority of mine, the pandemic sparked in me an urgent need to outwardly express my love and devotion to Ed.
Soon after marrying (we eloped in Las Vegas, just the two of us), we started trying. I did not actually expect to get pregnant quickly, or even at all. In my mid-30s, unsure of whether I wanted children, I had frozen my eggs; I had needed to do two rounds of IVF to retrieve the minimum recommended number of eggs to aim for one future child. But within a few months of trying - really, weeks - we got a positive pregnancy test.
I immediately felt panicked and overwhelmed. Yes, we had planned for this, but I still sobbed on and off for days over the loss of my freedom and identity. I was despondent when I went to my OBGYN’s office for my first prenatal appointment. When I got there and had my first ultrasound, however, something changed. My OBGYN showed me a little fluttering peanut shape on the ultrasound monitor and played the sound of a tiny but regular heartbeat. My angst melted away; it was like identity shifted. Instead of grieving, I was now marveling at the miracle that Ed and I had created.
From that point forward, I felt humbled at the gift and responsibility of having created a tiny human being. I felt a fierce and protective devotion over our growing baby, and I was amazed at my body’s ability to transform to carry and nurture him. And, perhaps for the first time in my life, I gained a purpose that was wholly unselfish. I still felt anxiety and insecurity, but now those feelings were accompanied by a resolve to become the best mother I could possibly be for our baby.
This is not to say my pregnancy has been easy since then. During these past eight months, I have had fatigue, backaches, congestion, constipation, nausea, and everything in between. I still have bouts of self-doubt and panic. Externally, some (perhaps well-meaning) family members and friends have imposed unsolicited advice or engaged in fear-mongering over the health of my baby ("Being older, you're more likely to have a baby with genetic deformities") or the difficulties of what will come ahead (“You think you can’t sleep now? Just wait until the baby comes!”). It has always been important to me to set boundaries and make evidence-based decisions about my health and life choices, but now I have far less guilt about shutting out others’ negativity or judgment. I now have something else – someone else – as a guiding force. The purpose that this precious little life has given me has therefore been unexpectedly liberating and empowering.
We're now one month out until our baby arrives, but he has already become such a wondrous and formative part of me - of us. Ed and I are so excited to meet him. When he gets here, we will tell him, “We've been waiting for you and have missed you for so long already."
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